And I Know That You Think It’s A Fantasy

“So close, yet so far.”

And all those words that I couldn’t say.

—

A long month, painfully long. But there were the fun parts too. We start with Nic’s birthday celebration which was fun and enjoyable, more food than I’d expected. Potluck is a fun gathering activity.

For this final week, it is spent at SAFTI MI for a video production course conducted by the SAF Film Unit. It’s a good way for me to refresh whatever I have learned in school, I’ve really been rusty since enlisting, and I’ve given thought to working there (as a DXO) after I ORD.

And speaking of ORDs, congratulations to Edmund for completing his service to the nation, because he only has probably one more full week left, his last Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. But hey, it’s not a RECORD situation, okay? Haha.

With me, it’s a purposeless month once again, drifting in and out of what I believe I have to do, and yet, I’m most far away. It’s a tough phase with an obvious solution, yet I’m not a good practitioner of what I think. Hypocrisy would be the correct word to apply here.

And what of my heart? What if there isn’t anything other than a possible addiction only to having such a feeling around, like a zone of comfort?

Do I sincerely believe that I can stoop to such low standards? Yes I do, because I don’t even feel appropriate to trust myself anymore. But then again, how much have I really trusted myself? There are the times (the nightmares) where I trusted others more than myself, and I think it leaves me utterly stupid at the end because all I could have been doing are elephant turns.

The deceiver is me. I cheat myself too many times of the situations that are actually bigger or smaller than they are, and I think, I’m the poorest evaluator. I don’t know anything at all. And it leads me to slowly forget what I can be good at, because everything seems to slip away.

What else to say…
What else to say…

And maybe one day, the brain clogs up finally and I’m all quiet for a damn long time.

Death’s got nothing for me.

My first words would actually be that I don’t really know how to write out my feelings.

I don’t know what to feel sometimes. Allow me to talk in a more casual way, just like the way I converse in.

It is absolutely very SIAN when all that you have tried to push away comes back to haunt you in ways you cannot control. And that way, is called DREAMING.

At least, I think, I’m not a grumpy sleeper that I wake up very grumpy even if it’s a forceful wake-up or a bad dream. But it just kills my day. I have tried to drown in work. But it’s not enough.

Then I find myself, alone, without meaning, purpose, direction, reason, to do anything straight. I’m only working because of others. There is nothing for me. And that feels horrible.

WHAT DO I WANT?! I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. WITH NOTHING, I WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO ACCOMPLISH NOTHING.

I need serious help. But I refuse them all because I don’t want to be a burden.

I want to help myself.

Really now.

This week was way too tiring.

I only got to know about the ATP for this week on Sunday night when I booked in. And with M16! Compared to the SAR21, it is definitely more challenging to use. Try night shooting, you really can’t see a crap. Thankfully, I managed to pass it on the actual test, as compared to my pathetic score on the familiarization shoot (5/16 for Stage A, 7/8 for INAD, 2/9 for Night, compared to 10/16, 7/8 and 3/9 for the actual.)

It didn’t help that I kept sneezing away, probably either from dust at the range or the gunpowder smell from everyone’s weapons after firing off. By Friday, I was really tired and unwell, and as usual, when I come home, I hit the bed really early, as early as 9.30pm.

Didn’t get to run today too. Rainy day. Was supposed to go Sentosa with the ex-unit mates.

Anyway, about my life…

It’s much quieter now… Although peace isn’t really the right word to describe it. Maybe the intensity of work does help to put my focus in order, rather than make me think that much. Although by end August, I sort of decided to die down.

This familiar feeling, I recall it, 3 years ago. The feeling of actually giving up, or surrendering, after witnessing frontal revelation of facts. That inspiration perhaps led me to become more… Reclusive. I accept, that perhaps that instead of life still going on despite things happening, it in fact is, life goes on because they happen. They need to happen for some form or another, otherwise life wouldn’t be exciting, would it? Life wasn’t promised to be a peaceful journey, to be exact, I think it was meant to be an excitingly perilous one. To fall and rise, perhaps makes it the greatest enjoyment, although no one really likes falling.

It changes me. I cannot feel it anymore, it being me questioning why anything happens. Perhaps a conclusion has reached on my own, once again, an epiphany, sudden realization. Everything happens for a reason, and that reason alone is this; so that we can actually proceed to the next course in life.

And in my case specifically, perhaps it is that I sort of come to terms how I am not in full control at all. I cannot possibly be. In an ideal situation, wouldn’t I have hoped to have a smooth life all the way, but no, there isn’t any person in life who has had it.

I believe time can fly faster this way for me.

As to feelings, well, they are essentially the same, like a plant growing. I’m not talking about quantitative growth, but maybe some how, maturity (in a way).

My doubts that remain, sometimes point towards the older examples in life. Like those well ahead of me in time. Those are the moments I feel, perhaps, they expose my fear and uncertainty of future.

And here I am, talking about how uncertainty is still exciting, yet scary at the same time.

I can’t really make up my mind, can I? Haha…

On the corners of my mind, I try not to bring them up, yet dreams continue to be.

So am I liberated or not? I wonder.

Gracious

Been a tiring week for me… Dreams and stupid thoughts. But the week ended on a very, pleasant note, and I was quite pleased with the way things went.

Taking leave for Friday, I went out with the classmates of 04 for Botak Jones and some Neo-printing and L4D! Haha… Was fun watching Joan right-click after I repeatedly shouted “Left click, LEFT CLICK!!!”

Friday was very fun too. Went baking at Rachel’s house again, but this time round a bit screwed up due to me putting a bit too much butter into the mix, making the cookies shapeless and without volume. But bringing it to the retreat and offering to everyone, there only returned words of praise for the “FAMOUS AMOS” imitation I’d made. Yes, it may be Betty Crocker’s , but hey, a standard has existed, even for someone like me!

Friday was also an occasion for good ol’ buddy Janan, his 21st birthday which we planned a super evil surprise for him. Pretending to forget his birthday and making it seem the most normal of days, we made him feel so sad about us “forgetting”, only for him to receive a birthday surprise at his house at 2350 hours with pizza! Haha, the look on the face was priceless, he never expected such a stunner of surprise… Aww come on, how was it possible for friends of more than 8 years to forget birthdays? Besides, my slip of accidentally sending him a “Hey what are we doing for Janan’s birthday?” SMS to him was more than enough to show we were in plans. Haha!

Open Air Rally held at Charis was pretty good. The effect was well-delivered, I guess. As much as I always had plenty of comments to make about structure of sermons, the message still sends out and the turnout of interest was an impressive amount.

Had a great chat with Clarissa too, an old friend. Been so long since I talked, really glad for her now, all grown up. It’s a really pleasant feeling, talking about the past, and being honest about it. That sort of respect we have for each other is something I really appreciate out of the friendship we have. It feels nice.

Overall, I guess hoping for more epiphenomena happening to me is taking a different route from what I’d expected.

With friends, they still tell me I’ve got something to live for. As their friend, I got a responsibility to them too.

With whatever that happens, I feel, impossible IS nothing. Who decides all this is not humanity, but the God of time, the Creator Himself. He decides what’s going to happen.

It puts me more at ease, although pride doesn’t usually let me see things this way considering I’d love taking control. But… Uncertainty brings forward the opportunity to trust in God. I need this sort of feeling, the fearless heart of walking with Him in the dark.

Indifference

I don’t think I changed.

I just find myself feeling more indifferent.

I don’t want to be a burden to myself, to her, to everyone, to whoever.

But it seems like a cycle. I can only speak so much. Yet the first irreversible step, I never dared to move forth, it creates so much tension and uncertainty.

And uncertainty is supposedly an element of faith with God, so that as you walk with Him, you can see the plans He has.

But I’m so blind.

Melancholy

Writing a song. But I need my instruments.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE PERSON IT CAN BE TO… COME ON.

But hey it may not be the necessarily obvious.

Again and again.

There are a number of things I need to do. Money-related! Have to save money for a lot of things…

1. Xbox360 ($499) + HDTV (<$600)

The WANT. The WANT! I can afford only one right now, and the TV is important because for two primary reasons, the first being it's HD so it can fully show the effects of the Xbox360, and secondly, there isn't any other TV in the house for me to use.

I've decided to go for the 360 because of the reason that the games are much more affordable compared to PS3's Blu-ray games. A difference of at least $20 per game makes me feel pretty discouraged about the PS3. And ultimately I can share games with Janan and the lots of people with the Xbox360 system… That's the BEST part.

2. Personal cash for future use

I do need to save up a bit for the future you know. I'm not taking money from my parents and I get a mere allowance as a conscript. Fund management is a tricky thing, so there probably have to be a lot of considerations when I'm nearing ORD.

3. WHAT AM I GOING TO STUDY.

UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH UH OH .

Headache about this. One year left to think. Here or out? Pretty much know what I want to study, but where? Although it's most likely to be SIM.

I don't dislike SIM. It just feels sucky to know that it's my only choice here in Singapore, and that's probably why I want to go overseas. But it's not cheap! YES I KNOW THAT. That's why Option 2 is totally important!

Conclude, a headache to do. Plan 1 is projected to be settled by end of the year, plan 2 is indefinite and plan 3 is also projected for end of year completion.

In Media Res.

I don’t sleep well because I dream too much nowadays. I dream of my fears, my weaknesses, and they become horrible nightmares that just drain me. In every dream as I fought, I always lost and never had the strength to win. In these dreams I feel I’m fighting myself, the versions of me that represent my “negatives”.

In each dream I fail to protect you.

I’m not obsessed, I just think these dreams are serving as a reminder of how weak I am, and is trying to push me back from being stronger.

A brainwave of words comes flooding in here…

“It’s not like I can lose something I don’t have a hold on.

What’s there to complicate when everything else is already simple?

In my world, simplicity is complicated. Complication is simpler to understand. Perhaps I’m not content with fixed answers that I deem too easy to understand.

It’s not insanity I try to show people. What for, when it is merely an act that I’m fully aware of? A depressed man never admits his condition, likewise for the insane.

I’m not good at expressing myself in many words or emotions, because I’m probably not organized enough to bring it out for people to see. And it’s also highly likely I don’t understand myself, and that I’m comfortable not trying to understand it, simply because of the fact I think that such condemning of myself will probably let me assimilate any entity I choose to be.

Then, knowing all this, would you care to even want to know who I am, when I myself know not the answers? I choose who I want to be, and knowing this identity as some form of shape-shifter, how honest can I be with anyone around? Would you trust this person if you can’t see his heart?

I’m not dark, just not that bright. Happiness is not a farce to me, but it for sure is not what I am looking for for now. A feeling is nothing but a passing mood to me, unless it has an answer definite enough to sustain.

And a suffering is not one when I can sit at home to type what I’ve bothered to find out about my feelings.”

Because.

Nah, I don’t think I would do that.

I still think the ultimate faith factor is still much in lacking, because I am still holding on.

I don’t want to be a coward.

I don’t want to be an idiot either.

I don’t believe in waiting 2 years to give up so that I see for myself I’ve really lost, although I have done absolutely nothing.

But I don’t want to do something which throws further back and puts everything into nothingness, all because the past is gripped on.

And for that, I feel horrible about everything. I destroy my old self.

I… Just don’t know what to do anymore.

Cookies

Me baking

Much… Effort!

Pretty heart made by me. I don’t usually associate with pretty, I know.

End product.

Finally, RACHEL KEE!