Part with my Heart.

I want to hope. But now, I shouldn’t be. Because I know I’m not ready. And I lost you. I want what I cannot have. At least for now, this applies.

Guilt rides on a free on me. How I wish all this never happened. How I wish this. How I wish that.

Wishes are just me not accepting reality. They are from my heart which has gone dark.

Let me part with my heart.

Pull yourself together.

Hello, my friend. You seem troubled. You’ve become overly restless and you can’t seem to get your mind off things. What is it with you? Would you like to share about what’s going on with you?

I’m feeling very depressed.

Well, well. What can be the problem here?

I had to give up something that was forcefully taken away from me. And I can’t fight back because of myself, and the person who took it.

That seems complicated. And why did the person do that?

Many reasons. Because she decided that there were many problems with that something, and it needed to be dealt with by just putting it aside. But the thing is I wasn’t allowed to even fully see the problem, only allowed to infer on my own. Sometimes I think the person just wants to use her time of problems to strike off whatever that seems expendable first, for something that is more important, and it never occurs that this could hurt me too.

I see. So what do you do now?

Her bigger issue is solved. And I’m waiting for whatever she took to be returned.

Are you prepared for it when she doesn’t return it?

I don’t know.

So what now? Have you considered that the wait is forever and may never come back?

My most important thing to me… And I want to wait for it as long as I can. I want to know I’ve tried.

But you’re so restless.

I can’t help it! I was just suddenly thrown backwards!

And then, what’s done is done. Are you sulking?

I don’t know. But I’m bitter.

You’re looking for hope. But to chase it will only scare it away. Will you not let it look for you? You’ve been through much worse. And though this can be the most important thing right now, the only thing you can do is wait, and just relax. Relax means you let it go. You don’t keep thinking about it and you get suffocated. Don’t pressure and things will just walk into the way. I don’t believe in whatever that is defined impossible. You’ve tried your best. Now you can only wait. Wait now, Gene.

I will try.

But this also means you be prepared for anything you cannot accept. And if you get to let it go, you do it. It’s easy to talk. Show that you can do it.

- Mental Dialogue, Gene.

I didn’t want to.

I have become bitter. Because I never wanted to lose you at all.

And in the end, it’s all about it being done and I should get over it. But how does that make me feel? That you have tried?

All I was made to do was to take your “effort” in my face.

I didn’t stop. You made me stop. Because you didn’t know how to not stop, the end result requires my participation.

And I am truly sad, because I am now required to take everything within me, without requiring my consent. And I don’t praise myself, because I’ve become so foolish and degenerated over this incident. It hurts me so bad that you would not give this a chance. Give me a chance.

As famous as time likes to repair wounds, I seek to rediscover myself.

I want to truly rediscover feelings. And not be a plastic shell.

Why is it that such cruelty reaches me yet again? I didn’t want to do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. I worked hard.

It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with failure. But I hate injustice. I don’t hate you. I can’t bring myself to.

I have to leave because you want me to.

I needed hope but you refused.

All I do now is leave it to the will of God. I treasured everything. But I didn’t do my best to block this.

Mr. Depressed

You can’t make a decision…

So I’ll just make one for you.

I don’t want to run away. And you shouldn’t run away too. Therefore I just put it in front of you, with the freedom of choice when you want to come back.

I’m still here for you, as long as I can. I can’t pull anymore, therefore it’s yours to control already.

Emotionally, I am so jaded. I have not slept well for almost a month already, worrying sick for this. But I don’t regret, what can I do? I didn’t hold you tight enough.

You’re So Very Special

I just wanted to say how much I felt. It just feels like I’m not there anymore.

And I feel deep down, it’s so sad that I can’t do anything. And it is worse when I can’t express it because it takes it out on me.

I am sad. I am troubled.

What do I want?

Can I even have back what I’ve lost?

And it makes me so much in pain to feel my own blame of how I have failed so badly in appreciating the blessing in you.

It’s all because I won’t run away and let go.

ARGH!

Shoot me.

Drainage Heart.

Heard of 暧昧(ai mei)?

With a feeling that makes me look like a dried up prune, Rainie’s song popped into my mind. I won’t revise the lyrics with you, but feel free to go Baidu and search it out. That’s feeling 1.

Feeling 2 goes to Fish Leong’s 会呼吸的痛(hui hu xi de tong). A little bit more and it might have been perfect, with the changing of the pronouns and exchanging the parties involved a bit here and there. Something along the lines of:

你总说时间还很多
你可以等我
以前我不懂得
未必明天就有以后

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛连沉默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

Then it slowly sets in, because I get reminded and only get ultra-stressed.

Is there any way for me to grow stronger? I want to be stronger.

And there were those which made me feel scared. Like,

普通朋友 by David Tao.
不要对他说 by Jeff Chang.

Song monologue.

Bleeding love? (Crap!)

OMG

A set-up.

A trap.

A scheme.

All to break what isn’t yours.

Did it make us stronger? I think so.

What a nightmare.

Whatever Can’t Kill You Makes You… Stranger.

In any case, surviving this only means surviving even worse times. This is just a test of endurance, faith and strength.

Miss.

Every picture as I flip through makes me think of you.

I’m feeling down and I hope you know it too.

Your Irresponsibility Becomes My Problem.

Because you lose focus on whatever that was once important to you.

And implications arise.

And problems start appearing one by one.

But without a solution, they stay stuck there.

So no solution? You wait for one to provide. Or an implicated one to provide.

And then, I feel hurt.