This blog can die for all I care.
This is my last request. As usual there is always nothing in it for you, but please hear me out.
I have had too many dreams of the same category. You know which ones.
And it’s to the point I will not joke anymore; set me free!
You know what my heart wants. But every single thing around me will tell me it’s not achievable.
I don’t know what you know. Or maybe at least, I’m pretending not to.
But free me!
Although, I probably only want one solution in my heart, that is what will make me happy, please, either uncover my eyes, or just end me right away, or better yet, teach me patience to get it!
I’m just ridiculously confused.
And 2009 ends with a bang.
But unfortunately for me, I have to burn another New Year’s Day special to do GUARD DUTY. And alone. I’m so going to end up doing sentry. Which. Is. Very. Boring.
I’ve watched Blood Diamond. Leonardo Dicaprio is an excellent actor. Playing a white South African so authentically is quite nice to watch.
This year’s Christmas was pretty fast… And I guess the year end was pretty boring.
That’s probably it for 2009. I thought it was fun while it lasted. Painful while things happened, but the end result… I guess desperate measures are applied to desperate men.
Slack day here at camp.
I do not have a healthy mind. I’m always looking the wrong direction for the childish little things that I now feel probably nothing.
“I don’t blame you. I think sometimes that maybe I just may have no ‘yuan fen’ to talk to you or go out with you. What can I do. Even if this is deliberate, I guess you’ve achieved the purpose of pushing me back… We won’t ever get close… Won’t ever even seem to go beyond superficial friends.”
As she reads the message, she presses the delete button and doesn’t look back.
I pay attention to useless things too much. It’s the point where friends give up because to them, I’m a cycle.
When I read plastic-memory and psychotic-narcotic, I think of myself as a complete idiot. Then again, I’ve always felt that way about myself. It’s because… I don’t know. I think it’s because I have so many issues with all the little things. Myopia is such a crime, the regrets that it leaves behind haunt you for life.
I regret what I did. I hate myself. Thoughts that always repeat in the posts. never failing in boring anyone. Stubbornness. Resistance to change. Pride. Self-absorbed. Self-fabricated. Don’t you think these are all the screwed up words I keep hearing about myself?
So what is my life trying to tell me about myself?
I always leave questions hanging at the end. Sometimes I hope for an answer. But nothing ever comes. The doubts in me suffocate me, so the tendency to look away happens. To reject my own imperfection, I try to correct others. I believe I sincerely want to do it because I care. But I go cold turkey because of not dealing with my own problems. The phase repeats.
How is this relevant to the above-mentioned quote? It’s just a recent scenario of me trying to deal with the issues in me.
I hear today that having negative emotions causes chemical imbalances, thus leading to aches and all sorts of pains and problems as we grow up. Maybe that’s why I have that arthritis feeling everytime I stretch too long.
Above all, I think I’ve really given up on myself. I am only trying to make my first step with 1% inspiration to.
Sinking to the deepest low has my name written over it.
How can I possibly know when all I can feel is confusion.
So what is it?
Play dice with my heart.
“So close, yet so far.”
And all those words that I couldn’t say.
A long month, painfully long. But there were the fun parts too. We start with Nic’s birthday celebration which was fun and enjoyable, more food than I’d expected. Potluck is a fun gathering activity.
For this final week, it is spent at SAFTI MI for a video production course conducted by the SAF Film Unit. It’s a good way for me to refresh whatever I have learned in school, I’ve really been rusty since enlisting, and I’ve given thought to working there (as a DXO) after I ORD.
And speaking of ORDs, congratulations to Edmund for completing his service to the nation, because he only has probably one more full week left, his last Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. But hey, it’s not a RECORD situation, okay? Haha.
With me, it’s a purposeless month once again, drifting in and out of what I believe I have to do, and yet, I’m most far away. It’s a tough phase with an obvious solution, yet I’m not a good practitioner of what I think. Hypocrisy would be the correct word to apply here.
And what of my heart? What if there isn’t anything other than a possible addiction only to having such a feeling around, like a zone of comfort?
Do I sincerely believe that I can stoop to such low standards? Yes I do, because I don’t even feel appropriate to trust myself anymore. But then again, how much have I really trusted myself? There are the times (the nightmares) where I trusted others more than myself, and I think it leaves me utterly stupid at the end because all I could have been doing are elephant turns.
The deceiver is me. I cheat myself too many times of the situations that are actually bigger or smaller than they are, and I think, I’m the poorest evaluator. I don’t know anything at all. And it leads me to slowly forget what I can be good at, because everything seems to slip away.
What else to say…
What else to say…
And maybe one day, the brain clogs up finally and I’m all quiet for a damn long time.
My first words would actually be that I don’t really know how to write out my feelings.
I don’t know what to feel sometimes. Allow me to talk in a more casual way, just like the way I converse in.
It is absolutely very SIAN when all that you have tried to push away comes back to haunt you in ways you cannot control. And that way, is called DREAMING.
At least, I think, I’m not a grumpy sleeper that I wake up very grumpy even if it’s a forceful wake-up or a bad dream. But it just kills my day. I have tried to drown in work. But it’s not enough.
Then I find myself, alone, without meaning, purpose, direction, reason, to do anything straight. I’m only working because of others. There is nothing for me. And that feels horrible.
WHAT DO I WANT?! I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. WITH NOTHING, I WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO ACCOMPLISH NOTHING.
I need serious help. But I refuse them all because I don’t want to be a burden.
I want to help myself.