Really now.

This week was way too tiring.

I only got to know about the ATP for this week on Sunday night when I booked in. And with M16! Compared to the SAR21, it is definitely more challenging to use. Try night shooting, you really can’t see a crap. Thankfully, I managed to pass it on the actual test, as compared to my pathetic score on the familiarization shoot (5/16 for Stage A, 7/8 for INAD, 2/9 for Night, compared to 10/16, 7/8 and 3/9 for the actual.)

It didn’t help that I kept sneezing away, probably either from dust at the range or the gunpowder smell from everyone’s weapons after firing off. By Friday, I was really tired and unwell, and as usual, when I come home, I hit the bed really early, as early as 9.30pm.

Didn’t get to run today too. Rainy day. Was supposed to go Sentosa with the ex-unit mates.

Anyway, about my life…

It’s much quieter now… Although peace isn’t really the right word to describe it. Maybe the intensity of work does help to put my focus in order, rather than make me think that much. Although by end August, I sort of decided to die down.

This familiar feeling, I recall it, 3 years ago. The feeling of actually giving up, or surrendering, after witnessing frontal revelation of facts. That inspiration perhaps led me to become more… Reclusive. I accept, that perhaps that instead of life still going on despite things happening, it in fact is, life goes on because they happen. They need to happen for some form or another, otherwise life wouldn’t be exciting, would it? Life wasn’t promised to be a peaceful journey, to be exact, I think it was meant to be an excitingly perilous one. To fall and rise, perhaps makes it the greatest enjoyment, although no one really likes falling.

It changes me. I cannot feel it anymore, it being me questioning why anything happens. Perhaps a conclusion has reached on my own, once again, an epiphany, sudden realization. Everything happens for a reason, and that reason alone is this; so that we can actually proceed to the next course in life.

And in my case specifically, perhaps it is that I sort of come to terms how I am not in full control at all. I cannot possibly be. In an ideal situation, wouldn’t I have hoped to have a smooth life all the way, but no, there isn’t any person in life who has had it.

I believe time can fly faster this way for me.

As to feelings, well, they are essentially the same, like a plant growing. I’m not talking about quantitative growth, but maybe some how, maturity (in a way).

My doubts that remain, sometimes point towards the older examples in life. Like those well ahead of me in time. Those are the moments I feel, perhaps, they expose my fear and uncertainty of future.

And here I am, talking about how uncertainty is still exciting, yet scary at the same time.

I can’t really make up my mind, can I? Haha…

On the corners of my mind, I try not to bring them up, yet dreams continue to be.

So am I liberated or not? I wonder.